I was too tall. My skin was too dark. Even people of color, like myself, told me so. My nose was too big, and my lips were not quite full enough. My hair was too kinky and too short. But I was smart, or at least that’s what I was told, which made me feel a little bit better when the popular kids left me out. At least I had that. Right? At least, I was something because I was not a “people person.” Not everyone could be, I was told. Some people just weren’t, and I was not. I was not enough of some things, and I was too much of others. In other words, I wasn’t quite right.
Enough and too much, but not quite right. How many of us were that? How many of us come to believe that we are not quite right?
It is in the pages of my notebook that I have become quite right and more than enough. It is in the pages of my notebook that I have an opportunity to say/write all of the things I wanted to express. On the pages, I have learned to articulate and stand up for what I believe. I have come to feel confident in my understanding of the world, enough to share my thoughts with others. I have learned to advocate for myself, and for others who have had similar traumas.
My writing has helped me to discover who I am. I have come to recognize that being too much is a great thing and that I have always been good enough. We were born being great enough. Our very existence is, in and of itself, miraculous. I’ve found my voice, shaped my identity, and expanded the entire boundaries of my world. All this with a pen and paper.
2019 is, for me, will be about learning to live fearlessly. And while I am not entirely sure what all that will entail, I know it will push me outside of my comfort zone every day. I will have to face my fears, accept them, and reframe them. Once I have done that, I can live in love, instead of living in fear.
I am tall and regal in stature.
My skin is a beautiful chocolate brown.
My nose is lovely and suits my face.
My lips smile in joy and happiness daily.
My hair is naturally beautiful.
I am smart, but I am also sexy and spontaneous and witty and creative and athletic, and a multitude of other things.
I am more than enough.
I read somewhere that one should turn one’s fears into affirmations, and when I do that in my notebook writing, I hear my mothering voice. It is the same voice I use when I am talking to one of my sons, at a time when he is doubting himself, and I am there supporting and convincing him that he is enough. When we turn our fears into affirmations, we are, in fact, mothering ourselves. We are loving ourselves unconditionally. To love anyone unconditionally requires a pure heart and tremendous courage. And I think that must be some part of what it means to live fearlessly. Perhaps, it is the first step.
So, I encourage you to close 2018 and open 2019 by listing your fears and doubts and then rewriting them as affirmations. Mother (or father) yourself by loving yourself courageously and unconditionally. Happy New Year.